Rambling

 When something bad happened, my first reaction is always shocked and sad. After that, I used to think too far. I analyze every bad scenario that can probably happen. I can't be so positive when the bad thing happens, I mean is there really anyone who can be grateful directly after he/she heard the bad news? I don't think so.

I must say if I probably get it too slow when it comes to processing sadness. I used to suppress the feeling inside, pretend like there's nothing happened and I'm okay, and then I only open up the feeling again when I know I can not escape the pain anymore. Sometimes I can be so selfish, I just wanna handle my own feeling without even feeling bothered by anyone's feelings. I just wanna make sure if I can control my feeling first before I try to make others feel better. Sometimes I wanna escape, running away from whatever happened and letting others take care of whatever things I can't. I wanna be that selfish bitch, but I know deep down inside I just can't.

When a bad thing happened, I cursed God. Why did He put me in the bad situations more often than in the good situations? Why does He trust that I can get through this when I even don't trust myself. Why God? why You left me in this kind of situation. But again, my rational part mixed with my spiritual part say if He believes in me, I should believe it too because there's nothing that He can't do, if He thinks I am strong enough, so it will be. He will make me that way. His time is always right, His plans are always right. Maybe what I should really do is trust Him more. But as someone who isn't really that spiritual, it's so hard to be surrender, to accept whatever future belongs. I mean how can we put in our best effort but we still can't get the best result just because destiny doesn't say so? or maybe we still have not done our best yet? I dunno.

So, I think I gonna let myself to take the privilege to feel sad, swallowing all the bad feelings for a while. I promise to not take this too long, but for now, I think I gonna let myself to feel sad, shocked, angry, disappointed and all the negative feelings humans can have, until I am ready to stand up dan juggle with whatever it is in front of me again. So, that's it. 

See you again, when I want to see you again.

A