How much is enough?

Last year, a friend told me I didn’t seem to be trying hard enough. Her words stuck with me, triggering past trauma. I had seen a psychologist because I struggled with the fear of not working hard enough to make people notice my efforts. I’ve always tried my best, but I never shared my struggles publicly, so people didn’t always see what I was going through. These days I realized that it's not important to make people notice my efforts.

There were days when I blamed myself for every failure, telling myself, "Maybe I didn’t push hard enough, that’s why I failed." It took a long time to rebuild my self-trust after so much self-doubt. I thought I had recovered, until I received the schedule for my final scholarship interview last Sunday.

I was shocked and disappointed. I felt numb and mad, thinking I didn’t have enough time to prepare. I kept asking myself, “Have I done enough?” and feared that all my efforts wouldn’t be enough to avoid failure again.

That night, I burst into tears—tired, frustrated, and afraid of failing. I questioned whether I deserved to ask God for success, wondering if I had done enough in His eyes.

I shared these feelings with close friends, and their belief in me moved me to tears again. They reminded me of how much I’ve tried and told me to have confidence because I’ve done my best. I feel so lucky and grateful for their support. Alhamdulillah.

A new friend told me I should trust in my efforts and in God’s mercy. "Just ask Him, He’s very kind," she said. Her words gave me more confidence.

I wrote affirmations to read after every prayer, hoping my interview would go well enough that I’d have no regrets. I reminded myself that I’ve prepared for months and practiced my presentation over ten times. Looking back at my previous failures, I realize now why they happened—I wasn’t as prepared as I thought. This time, I’ve learned more and grown into a better version of myself. I have a strong reason for pursuing my studies now, and I know I’ve done my best.

“How much is enough?” I’ve finally found my answer. Amidst self-doubt, I choose to trust myself. I know I’ve given my best from the start and will continue doing so, no matter tomorrow’s outcome. All the kindness I’ve received on this journey, I’ll pay forward by sharing what I’ve learned and helping others. That’s how I’ll honor those who believed in me.

Whatever happens, I’m committed to contributing to others, even before securing a scholarship. Thank you to everyone who’s supported me along the way. Your kindness will live on through the help I offer others.

This is just a self-reflection, written the day before my final scholarship selection. To anyone reading this, I hope you find strength to define your “enough” and trust that you are already enough.

With love,

Ayu