"At least, you’ve won the battle between you and yourself."

That’s what a close friend told me last night after asking about my interview. Although this wasn’t my first—I've already failed four times—I still felt nervous, as each interview is a unique experience. There were times when I felt confident, yet failed. So, I’m managing my expectations this time. I’m hopeful but leaving room to accept that God may have other plans.

Yesterday’s interview went well. I’m proud of how I presented myself. I didn’t try to be overly confident or pretend to be unshakeable. I allowed myself to admit that, as a human, I may have flawed perspectives or made mistakes. I delivered everything I prepared—data, validations, future plans, and lessons from past failures. Compared to previous interviews, I did a much better job. I remember the times when I would cry after each interview. Now, I feel I’ve matured throughout this process. Thank God for that.

During this scholarship journey, I haven’t seen others as competitors—it's always been me vs. myself. My goal has been to present my best self and deliver the material I’ve prepared. While I don’t want to be overconfident, I continue to manifest positive outcomes. Yesterday’s interview, by my personal standards, was a win. A win against self-doubt, a win for being better than my past self, and a win for understanding how I can use further study to help others—not just for self-actualization. I'm grateful to the mentors who inspired me to support others and create a strong support system for doing so.

I told the panel how I’ve learned to celebrate small wins, including how much I’ve improved through this application process. I’ve embraced the help I’ve received in finding my authentic self. I’m grateful for the people who’ve shaped me into who I am today. I’m also thankful to myself for no longer shaming my journey, for accepting my imperfections, and for continuing to try even when others don’t understand. Yesterday’s interview wasn’t just the final stage of my application—it was a milestone that showed me how much I’ve grown and learned. I can’t believe it, but I think I did well.

I think I’ve finally reached the “enough” I’ve been questioning. The efforts I made were enough—the best I could do. The kindness I’ve received during this process, I will pay forward, so we can live in a world with more kindness. 

I don’t know if I’ll pass this time. My optimistic side is balanced by my realistic self. There are many better candidates out there, but I hope the panel gives me this opportunity to study and grow even more. Regardless of the outcome, I’m proud of myself for trying my best and not giving up. There’s always room for improvement, and I’ll keep striving for that.

Still, I hope for the best. I hope I win this battle—not just with myself, but with the other candidates too. I hope I’m good enough for the scholarship committee. Wish me luck!

Love,

Ayu