What happened in the first half of 2024?

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It feels like it was just yesterday when I wrote my Season 2023 post, and somehow we've managed to arrive safely at the first half of 2024. January to March passed quickly because I was busy preparing for my scholarship: taking the IELTS, writing essays, submitting applications to campuses, while still enjoying my time going to concerts and meeting my beloved friends. April to May happened more slowly because I was focused on practicing for my scholarship interview, which, unfortunately, I failed.

And now, we've just gone through 13 days of June and I've already processed so much. I was anxious in the first week of June because of the scholarship announcement that was due in the second week. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't afraid of failing, because I was. Rejection and failure are two things that scare me the most, besides the fear of losing someone I love. I thought I wouldn't be okay. I spent days crying in bed, thinking that this rejection would be so painful that I might slip back into depression.

To my surprise, on the day I opened the announcement, I felt quite strong compared to how I felt in 2023 and 2022. Of course, I cried a lot before opening the announcement because I was so afraid I wouldn't make it. I had no idea what I would do if I failed. I didn't think I could bounce back stronger. I had so many things on my mind. When I was finally ready to check the scholarship result, I fully accepted whatever the outcome would be. The apology I received, which I had become quite accustomed to, didn't break me down as badly as I expected.

I accepted the fact that I failed, opened my Google Sheet document where I had written down steps to follow in case of the worst scenario, and then I followed those steps. The first thing I did was text my closest friends, telling them that I didn't make it again this time. I felt bad for them because they have had to witness this side of me several times. Instead of just breaking my own heart, breaking other people's hearts with this bad news felt even more disheartening. My friends are my friends for a reason. They remained very supportive and appreciative to the point that I cried from gratitude because I have them. They've been very supportive throughout this process. They always believe in me, even when I say that my dreams are too foolish to achieve for someone like me.

I also texted the people who helped me with my mock interviews to appreciate their help and to ask if they could assist me again in the future. To be honest, I know which parts I need to improve because the last process taught me so much. Hence, I started preparing for the next scholarship application on the same day I received the bad news, with the help of many people. I will ask more people to help me this time. They say collaboration is key. Maybe, on this journey, I will succeed after I open myself to collaborate with others.

After years of shaming myself for trying to reach my goals and make my dreams come true, and years of trying in secret and not letting anyone help because I was so afraid of disappointing those who helped me, I've decided that I want to change myself and my life. I will ask for help from people who have skills that I don't have. I cannot learn everything on my own; my perspective might be wrong, and I need people to call out my mistakes so I can improve and become better. I choose not to be afraid to let people know that I am trying so hard. I choose not to be afraid to let people know that I am the woman who keeps trying despite the fact that she keeps failing. 

I remember telling my psychologist that I want people to describe me as someone who works hard for her life, someone who does her best despite everything, someone who is kind, helpful, and easy to be with, and someone who radiates good energy. I want to be that person.

The plan is to change the strategy I will use this time. I will prepare this application much better than I did previously. I will do my part and then ask God to take care of the rest. I really don't think I have the power to do everything on my own. I don't want to worry about everything like I usually do; I want to learn to let God take care of things while I do my part.

I must admit that I'm still afraid and confused most of the time. There are moments when I feel so clueless and dumb because I don't know what to do next month, the months after that, or in the coming years. I always fear that I am wasting my life. Sometimes, when I look at my friends' lives and see how their hard work has led them to their current positions, I feel envious—not out of ill intention, but because I also want to be as successful as they are. I also want to have my own success. Sometimes I keep asking myself, "Did I work hard enough for my dreams? Did I spend my days wrongly so I get nothing in the end? Did I waste my life?" I really don't know the answers, and I’ve stopped trying to find them. Instead, I’ve decided to do my part and accept that my life isn't the easy one and that I'm a late bloomer, which is probably uncommon in our society.

People love to share that they have good careers, happy marriages, strong financial statuses, and one-shot scholarships, whereas here I am, with none of those things. There are many moments when I feel terrible, like a big failure, and I've even thought my life should end because I seem to have nothing. I think those thoughts led me into depression last year. Those negative thoughts made me believe that I don't deserve anything and that the future is set in stone. However, the truth is, I still deserve good things, and the future is highly unpredictable. Anything can happen; everything can change. All possibilities might occur; I just need to try. I need to get up, put myself together, prepare better, work harder, and pray as much as I can. I need to ask God, beg Him until He shows me the real direction of my life.

So what if I'm left behind compared to others? Is my life a competition? What will I get if I win? What will I get if I achieve everything I want sooner? Are all the things I want so important that I should neglect everything else? So what if I'm late? If my friends or my siblings are running faster than me, so what? So what if people mock me for pursuing my dreams? So what? Our dreams are different. What matters to them is not what matters to me. I'm very clear about what I like and what I want, and what I dislike and what I don't want. I've decided to focus on the things that I like and want.

Another thing I’ve discovered about my character development is how I see the rejection I got this month as redirection. I believe that God knows better than anyone, including myself. He sabotaged my win today because He knows that I deserve better. It's just His way of protecting me from something that might harm me. Maybe if I had passed, the campus I chose wouldn’t have been suitable for me, the program might not have accommodated my dreams, the city might have been uncomfortable for me, or as simple as God wanting me to have more time abroad because I initially chose a year-long program and this time I chose a longer one. I remember my mom asking me why I didn’t choose a longer program to ensure I could complete my graduate study more thoroughly.

Just like the "Lucky Vicky" that Wonyoung from IVE has, I try to apply this mindset to my current situation. I believe there are bright sides to this rejection and failure. God is preparing me for something a million times better than I think I would have had if I had passed. I will follow His lead by accepting that whatever He has planned is the best for me. He probably wants me to find the right program that suits me the most, a country that will be more convenient for me, a future network that will benefit me the most, a city that will make me more comfortable, a scholarship that offers better opportunities, or any other good things in between.

Who knows? I might meet the love of my life who will support my journey studying abroad. Who knows? I might get a remote job that pays me ten times better throughout the process of getting my scholarship. Who knows?

It still hurts every time I see my friends get the scholarship in the country that I want, because I want it too. It's still painful to see that some of my friends are already academics while I'm still here aspiring for the same. However, I will use this pain to remind myself of the big dreams inside me that require my hard work. They have achieved it today, and I will achieve it too in the future. I will acknowledge these uncomfortable feelings and sit with them.

I may be a woman in her late twenties without a job, career, money, or scholarship, but I am actively working towards changing that. I will strive hard to attain it someday.

Last year, I didn't think I would make it to this year, but look at me now. I'm here, continuously improving myself, becoming better and wiser. Thank God for allowing this to happen to me. Please take care of the rest of 2024 for me.

I hope that whoever reads this post has a better and improved life too. We still have halfway to go to reach our goals. See you, perhaps in my Season 2024 post!

With love,

Ayu


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