Hi, it's been a while, hasn't it?
The year is passing by like a blink of an eye. Well, it didn't really happen that fast, though. 2023 isn't the hardest year for me personally; however, I found it to be the toughest year in my life. I've learned a lot this year, especially about how to take care of my mental health. I wasn't surprised at all when my psychologist told me about my mental health state yesterday. It's actually better than I expected it to be. All the pain that I've felt throughout this year is a battle that I've kept inside my head. I thought that I wouldn't survive the battle. It was so dark that I didn't think I could have another day to live. I told a few of my friends and my sister about me seeing a psychologist for my condition, just wanting to let them know that my condition is not fine at all, yet I'm trying to be as fine as I could be. It's not easy, and I don't think it will be easy.
I think 2023 is a season to learn how to slow down. A season to surrender, to finally sit with my feelings. A season to learn to treat myself as humanized as I should be. I started the year with a belief that I was totally fine and just needed a new place to add some variety to my day-to-day activities. I went to a few concerts, met my favorite friends, and had the best days of my life this year. Furthermore, I joined a project that taught me so many things, from working with people of different generations to meeting people in remote areas. I found something that ignites an idea inside me to help more people in the future. I found a reason why I need to pursue a higher degree and build more connections for my future career. I found people that I really want to help. It was fine until at the end of the year, the big wave inside my head happened. A sudden depression stressed me out and made me feel suffocated. The harder days came. I took the first initiative to seek help from professionals.
Actually, this year I met two types of psychologists, one for my personal growth and the other for my personal issues. I took a psychology test called Talents Mapping for the first time. To be honest, I haven't found a way to utilize the result of this test to help me plan my life better. This would be one of the homework assignments that I save for the next year. On the other hand, my meetings with the other psychologist were about the depression I have. I found out that I have moderate depression, something that I was afraid to admit before. All these years when I felt like my days were hard, I didn't think it would turn into any depression. I've denied the idea of me having depression. Hence, in the series of my counseling, I took a break to stop seeing a psychologist; I hate the idea of me having a mental health issue. I feel bad for my parents, for my siblings, for my friends to have me as someone with depression. I'm afraid that people wouldn't accept me as I am just because the diagnosis for my mental health state is on a depression level. I think nobody wants this. Well, in the end, I finally can make peace with myself; I went back to my psychologist and seek help again. I decided to be open with my closest friends about my condition even though it was scary to let them know. I was afraid that it would be hard for them to accept me as I am. So far, all of my closest friends are being sweet and very supportive; I'm glad that I have them. It would be a million times harder if I don't have them behind me.
2024 will be a year when I re-learn to heal and take brave steps to taking another attempt to live better. I want to be kinder to myself, to not force myself to take control of everything, to learn how to surrender more to God, to accept failure as part of my growth, to love my family and my friends more after I try to love myself more too. Next year, I am as nice as I could be to myself. I promise myself to find the lost soul that I've been searching for these past months.
As my psychologist suggested, I've been writing down three good things that happen daily, and here are three positive moments from 2023:
1. I am blessed with healthy and supportive parents and a close-knit nuclear family. I am forever grateful and feel lucky for the unwavering love and support from my parents and siblings.
2. Attending all the concerts this year has been a joyous highlight. Moreover, I secured a ticket to the Eras Tour next year—yippie!
3. Being brave to follow my gut even though I was freaking scared all the time. Most of the time, I was pretending to fully trust myself, although self-doubts are my best friends!
I hope we will have a great year in 2024!
xoxo
Ayu
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