Chronicle Reflection

Three failures in a year. A very interesting challenge that I need to navigate this year. I've been trying to secure scholarships since 2022, but the preparation started in 2021. So, it’s taken almost three years for me to search for the right scholarship. It’s not an easy journey. Many times, I felt like giving up, yet I keep trying. I'm currently on my ninth failure.

Last year, all those failures hit me harder than they did this year. I was struggling with my own mental issues. I didn’t only want to give up on trying; I also wanted to give up on life. It was so dark that I thought there was no light at the end of the tunnel. This year, when the first failure happened, I cried a little, but I rose up sooner. Four days ago, before I opened my scholarship result, I cried hard. I was so afraid that I wouldn’t make it again this time, so I kept postponing the moment. I had high hopes for this result since I was satisfied with my preparation and how the interview went. However, the result didn’t match my expectations. When I opened it, I felt numb. I was disappointed, but somehow it felt so familiar that I wasn’t surprised. I remember not crying. Maybe it hadn’t hit me yet. I usually cry easily when I feel upset or disappointed, so I waited for it to come.

And it surely came. With a message from a friend—a member of my scholarship support group called 5CM—I cried hard. The way he wished me well and expressed gratitude for my proactive support of the group made me feel like I was doing something right. He made me feel, that although I had failed, I hadn’t failed in life. Throughout my journey, this was the first time I tried to be more open with others. I used to hold back, trying not to share just for the sake of sharing. I was afraid to speak up and remained alone and lonely in this tough journey. 

For the first time, I felt less lonely, even knowing I’d have to try again. That night, after I opened my results, the 5CM members welcomed me warmly on Zoom. They validated my feelings, letting me release my tears. One by one, they reached out, offering encouragement and telling me not to give up on my dream—even though I had briefly considered it. Their support made the failure feel less overwhelming.

My other support system, my best friends, also helped me cope with this disappointment. Their unwavering belief in me, their support without judgment or pity, made me feel grateful to have strong, kind people around me.

With this writing, I hope to articulate how I felt at that time, hoping it helps release the emotions I held inside.

Firstly, I felt incredibly disappointed. I think it wasn’t because I was confident of passing, but because I felt I had done everything within my power. I had tried to improve everything, changing many things, as they say, to get a different result. I received more help than ever before, which added to my disappointment—I felt like I’d let them down. I was upset and confused. I knew I needed to improve for the next application but had no idea what was wrong this time. I couldn’t pinpoint the area I needed to fix, and it left me feeling frustrated.

Secondly, I felt anger. I was so upset with myself and even questioned God’s plan. During tahajud, I didn’t wake up as usual, telling God, “Please let me do the bare minimum prayer today. I’m so sorry, but I’m upset with everything! I don’t understand why I keep facing failures. Let me feel this sadness and anger just for today! I promise to be better tomorrow and get back to my usual routine.” Though I didn’t wake for tahajud, I did for Fajr. I needed that time to absorb my sadness, and it eventually dawned on me that maybe God was protecting me from something even more difficult.

Thirdly, I felt envy toward those who got the chance. Some of my friends who received it deserved it—they’re genuinely kind people. But others? It seemed like God had favorites. I was envious of those who didn’t need to try as hard but had strong favor, while I kept facing repeated failures.

Fourth, I felt scared of failing again. There’s no guarantee that the future will be easier, and the selection will only get harder. I worried this could be my last chance and that I kept messing it up. I was overthinking everything, feeling overwhelmed.

After an inner discussion, I tried to navigate my feelings. Here’s the summary:

I validated my feelings. I accepted my disappointment, anger, and sadness. It’s okay to feel all of these emotions. I know this three-year journey wasn’t short—it was a long, hard process. I might seem stuck compared to others, but I know I’m not. I believe there’s always room for improvement. I’ll reflect, reset, and restart. The day after the announcement, I woke up thinking about what would happen if I were genuinely “ikhlas” (accepting) and “ridho” (content) with what had happened.Reflecting on the concept of #MelawanKetidakmungkinan (“fighting the impossible”), it seems nearly impossible to forget all I’ve endured these past three years—but I’ll do it. It may feel impossible for someone like me to win a scholarship, but I’ll keep trying. I’ll knock on every door until I succeed. The impossible—I’ll fight it. I believe God is bigger than any challenge. If He wills it, He can make the impossible possible. So I’ve decided to rise up, stand tall, and try again. I’m starting again from point zero. I’ve faced nine failures, and I’ll let whatever else happens unfold. As a human, I’ll do my part: have good intentions, do my best, be kind, help others, pray, hope, and accept whatever comes. Others may have it easier, but that’s their path, not mine. Rethinking the whole situation, I believe God let me fail because He has a better plan. This rejection is a bitter pill to swallow, but I trust Him. He’s preparing me for something bigger. If it’s meant to be, it will be.

Now, on the fourth day after rejection, I feel much better. The dark clouds have lifted, replaced by brighter thoughts. I won’t blame myself for spending nearly three years on this journey because I pursued what I wanted. I won’t regret it. I’m content with what’s happened, and I’ll leave it behind. I have much ahead, and I need to focus on not repeating past mistakes. I’ll keep exploring my plans, and while I’m still a bit confused, I’m choosing self-compassion over self-blame. My hardworking self deserves my own support. This humbling experience of failure has given me new friendships, experiences, and lessons—blessings worth having.

I plan to continue this Scholarship 101 series to reflect on my scholarship journey! Hopefully, I’ll return with better news!

Regards,

Ayu

"At least, you’ve won the battle between you and yourself."

That’s what a close friend told me last night after asking about my interview. Although this wasn’t my first—I've already failed four times—I still felt nervous, as each interview is a unique experience. There were times when I felt confident, yet failed. So, I’m managing my expectations this time. I’m hopeful but leaving room to accept that God may have other plans.

Yesterday’s interview went well. I’m proud of how I presented myself. I didn’t try to be overly confident or pretend to be unshakeable. I allowed myself to admit that, as a human, I may have flawed perspectives or made mistakes. I delivered everything I prepared—data, validations, future plans, and lessons from past failures. Compared to previous interviews, I did a much better job. I remember the times when I would cry after each interview. Now, I feel I’ve matured throughout this process. Thank God for that.

During this scholarship journey, I haven’t seen others as competitors—it's always been me vs. myself. My goal has been to present my best self and deliver the material I’ve prepared. While I don’t want to be overconfident, I continue to manifest positive outcomes. Yesterday’s interview, by my personal standards, was a win. A win against self-doubt, a win for being better than my past self, and a win for understanding how I can use further study to help others—not just for self-actualization. I'm grateful to the mentors who inspired me to support others and create a strong support system for doing so.

I told the panel how I’ve learned to celebrate small wins, including how much I’ve improved through this application process. I’ve embraced the help I’ve received in finding my authentic self. I’m grateful for the people who’ve shaped me into who I am today. I’m also thankful to myself for no longer shaming my journey, for accepting my imperfections, and for continuing to try even when others don’t understand. Yesterday’s interview wasn’t just the final stage of my application—it was a milestone that showed me how much I’ve grown and learned. I can’t believe it, but I think I did well.

I think I’ve finally reached the “enough” I’ve been questioning. The efforts I made were enough—the best I could do. The kindness I’ve received during this process, I will pay forward, so we can live in a world with more kindness. 

I don’t know if I’ll pass this time. My optimistic side is balanced by my realistic self. There are many better candidates out there, but I hope the panel gives me this opportunity to study and grow even more. Regardless of the outcome, I’m proud of myself for trying my best and not giving up. There’s always room for improvement, and I’ll keep striving for that.

Still, I hope for the best. I hope I win this battle—not just with myself, but with the other candidates too. I hope I’m good enough for the scholarship committee. Wish me luck!

Love,

Ayu

How much is enough?

Last year, a friend told me I didn’t seem to be trying hard enough. Her words stuck with me, triggering past trauma. I had seen a psychologist because I struggled with the fear of not working hard enough to make people notice my efforts. I’ve always tried my best, but I never shared my struggles publicly, so people didn’t always see what I was going through. These days I realized that it's not important to make people notice my efforts.

There were days when I blamed myself for every failure, telling myself, "Maybe I didn’t push hard enough, that’s why I failed." It took a long time to rebuild my self-trust after so much self-doubt. I thought I had recovered, until I received the schedule for my final scholarship interview last Sunday.

I was shocked and disappointed. I felt numb and mad, thinking I didn’t have enough time to prepare. I kept asking myself, “Have I done enough?” and feared that all my efforts wouldn’t be enough to avoid failure again.

That night, I burst into tears—tired, frustrated, and afraid of failing. I questioned whether I deserved to ask God for success, wondering if I had done enough in His eyes.

I shared these feelings with close friends, and their belief in me moved me to tears again. They reminded me of how much I’ve tried and told me to have confidence because I’ve done my best. I feel so lucky and grateful for their support. Alhamdulillah.

A new friend told me I should trust in my efforts and in God’s mercy. "Just ask Him, He’s very kind," she said. Her words gave me more confidence.

I wrote affirmations to read after every prayer, hoping my interview would go well enough that I’d have no regrets. I reminded myself that I’ve prepared for months and practiced my presentation over ten times. Looking back at my previous failures, I realize now why they happened—I wasn’t as prepared as I thought. This time, I’ve learned more and grown into a better version of myself. I have a strong reason for pursuing my studies now, and I know I’ve done my best.

“How much is enough?” I’ve finally found my answer. Amidst self-doubt, I choose to trust myself. I know I’ve given my best from the start and will continue doing so, no matter tomorrow’s outcome. All the kindness I’ve received on this journey, I’ll pay forward by sharing what I’ve learned and helping others. That’s how I’ll honor those who believed in me.

Whatever happens, I’m committed to contributing to others, even before securing a scholarship. Thank you to everyone who’s supported me along the way. Your kindness will live on through the help I offer others.

This is just a self-reflection, written the day before my final scholarship selection. To anyone reading this, I hope you find strength to define your “enough” and trust that you are already enough.

With love,

Ayu

"Dream high as the highest star, so even if you fall, you fall around the stars."

This advice from a friend resonated deeply with me when I shared my hesitation about applying to high-ranking universities. Coming from a less prestigious private university for my bachelor’s degree, I doubted my worthiness for a spot in such institutions. Therefore, I was really late when I applied for M uni back in June. 

Surprisingly, I got an offer this morning—an offer that I thought would never come to my mailbox. I've spent days emailing the admissions to expedite my application. However, they couldn't do it somehow. So, I stopped waiting and wrapped my scholarship application two days ago. 

When I received the email this morning, I was happy and excited and could not believe that I had a chance to study on the World's high-rank campus. Then I remembered that I had submitted my application 2 days ago on the regular pathway had a higher passing grade requirement compared to the pathway for the world's top universities, which had a lower threshold. I told 3 of my friends about this matter. Initially, they supported me to unsubmit my application and reapply with my newest offer from M uni. 

Yet, I felt unsure about this suggestion, hence, I keep checking the documents. I have so many things to do if I plan to reapply with this new offer. To be very honest, I was overwhelmed, which made me cry. Firstly, after I calmed myself, I checked the document offer and found a typo for a particular deadline, which was resolved after I contacted the university's representative. I finally got the new offer revised with the right date.

The next challenge was revising my essay. I had spent two pressure-filled weeks refining it with my mentors, ensuring every detail was perfect. Rewriting it to align with M Uni's specifics, especially given their different specializations, seemed impossible. Panic set in as I struggled to find appropriate substitutions for the research center and courses mentioned in my essay.

I decided to stick with my regular application with some considerations. Firstly, I didn't want to present an essay I wasn’t confident about to the interviewers. Past experiences taught me that doubt in my writing undermines my performance. Starting with a strong foundation felt crucial.

Secondly, with less than 16 hours to unsubmit, revise, and resubmit everything, I knew I couldn't work efficiently under such pressure. The fear of making regrettable mistakes due to panic was real. Despite a friend’s encouragement to take advantage of the privilege offered by the world's top university pathway, I wanted to submit an application that reflected my best effort from the start.

Lastly, I thought about my mentors who had supported me through this process. I hadn't informed them about my acceptance to M Uni, and I didn’t want to cause them anxiety with a sudden change in plans. Respecting their hard work and sticking to our current plan seemed like the right choice.

After I made this decision, I told my friends for good affirmations. Would I regret not revising and resubmitting my application? Should I have tried harder for a better chance? I don't know. However, despite these doubts, I decided to trust myself for mydecision.

I believe I made the best decision for myself, at least for now. Though it may be the longer route with a higher passing grade requirement, I feel that I can prepare myself better for interviews and I'm also more confident in my current application than making the new one. M Uni is impressive, but it doesn't fit perfectly with my plans.

Choosing the world's top university pathway wouldn’t guarantee success without hard work. I trust God's plan, I believe if it’s meant to be, it will be. No matter what pathway I take on this scholarship, if it's written in God's plan, it will be. I will continue doing my best, trusting that the right opportunities will come at the right time.

In moments of self-doubt, I remind myself that doing my best within my capacity and being brave enough to pursue what I truly need is more important than forcing perfection just because others say so. To complete what my friend said about dreaming as high as the highest star, so even if you fall, you fall around the stars, I believe it's also important to choose stars that won't make you fall. Let’s see where this journey takes me!

Best,

Ayu