Chronicle Reflection

"At least, you’ve won the battle between you and yourself."

That’s what a close friend told me last night after asking about my interview. Although this wasn’t my first—I've already failed four times—I still felt nervous, as each interview is a unique experience. There were times when I felt confident, yet failed. So, I’m managing my expectations this time. I’m hopeful but leaving room to accept that God may have other plans.

Yesterday’s interview went well. I’m proud of how I presented myself. I didn’t try to be overly confident or pretend to be unshakeable. I allowed myself to admit that, as a human, I may have flawed perspectives or made mistakes. I delivered everything I prepared—data, validations, future plans, and lessons from past failures. Compared to previous interviews, I did a much better job. I remember the times when I would cry after each interview. Now, I feel I’ve matured throughout this process. Thank God for that.

During this scholarship journey, I haven’t seen others as competitors—it's always been me vs. myself. My goal has been to present my best self and deliver the material I’ve prepared. While I don’t want to be overconfident, I continue to manifest positive outcomes. Yesterday’s interview, by my personal standards, was a win. A win against self-doubt, a win for being better than my past self, and a win for understanding how I can use further study to help others—not just for self-actualization. I'm grateful to the mentors who inspired me to support others and create a strong support system for doing so.

I told the panel how I’ve learned to celebrate small wins, including how much I’ve improved through this application process. I’ve embraced the help I’ve received in finding my authentic self. I’m grateful for the people who’ve shaped me into who I am today. I’m also thankful to myself for no longer shaming my journey, for accepting my imperfections, and for continuing to try even when others don’t understand. Yesterday’s interview wasn’t just the final stage of my application—it was a milestone that showed me how much I’ve grown and learned. I can’t believe it, but I think I did well.

I think I’ve finally reached the “enough” I’ve been questioning. The efforts I made were enough—the best I could do. The kindness I’ve received during this process, I will pay forward, so we can live in a world with more kindness. 

I don’t know if I’ll pass this time. My optimistic side is balanced by my realistic self. There are many better candidates out there, but I hope the panel gives me this opportunity to study and grow even more. Regardless of the outcome, I’m proud of myself for trying my best and not giving up. There’s always room for improvement, and I’ll keep striving for that.

Still, I hope for the best. I hope I win this battle—not just with myself, but with the other candidates too. I hope I’m good enough for the scholarship committee. Wish me luck!

Love,

Ayu

How much is enough?

Last year, a friend told me I didn’t seem to be trying hard enough. Her words stuck with me, triggering past trauma. I had seen a psychologist because I struggled with the fear of not working hard enough to make people notice my efforts. I’ve always tried my best, but I never shared my struggles publicly, so people didn’t always see what I was going through. These days I realized that it's not important to make people notice my efforts.

There were days when I blamed myself for every failure, telling myself, "Maybe I didn’t push hard enough, that’s why I failed." It took a long time to rebuild my self-trust after so much self-doubt. I thought I had recovered, until I received the schedule for my final scholarship interview last Sunday.

I was shocked and disappointed. I felt numb and mad, thinking I didn’t have enough time to prepare. I kept asking myself, “Have I done enough?” and feared that all my efforts wouldn’t be enough to avoid failure again.

That night, I burst into tears—tired, frustrated, and afraid of failing. I questioned whether I deserved to ask God for success, wondering if I had done enough in His eyes.

I shared these feelings with close friends, and their belief in me moved me to tears again. They reminded me of how much I’ve tried and told me to have confidence because I’ve done my best. I feel so lucky and grateful for their support. Alhamdulillah.

A new friend told me I should trust in my efforts and in God’s mercy. "Just ask Him, He’s very kind," she said. Her words gave me more confidence.

I wrote affirmations to read after every prayer, hoping my interview would go well enough that I’d have no regrets. I reminded myself that I’ve prepared for months and practiced my presentation over ten times. Looking back at my previous failures, I realize now why they happened—I wasn’t as prepared as I thought. This time, I’ve learned more and grown into a better version of myself. I have a strong reason for pursuing my studies now, and I know I’ve done my best.

“How much is enough?” I’ve finally found my answer. Amidst self-doubt, I choose to trust myself. I know I’ve given my best from the start and will continue doing so, no matter tomorrow’s outcome. All the kindness I’ve received on this journey, I’ll pay forward by sharing what I’ve learned and helping others. That’s how I’ll honor those who believed in me.

Whatever happens, I’m committed to contributing to others, even before securing a scholarship. Thank you to everyone who’s supported me along the way. Your kindness will live on through the help I offer others.

This is just a self-reflection, written the day before my final scholarship selection. To anyone reading this, I hope you find strength to define your “enough” and trust that you are already enough.

With love,

Ayu

"Dream high as the highest star, so even if you fall, you fall around the stars."

This advice from a friend resonated deeply with me when I shared my hesitation about applying to high-ranking universities. Coming from a less prestigious private university for my bachelor’s degree, I doubted my worthiness for a spot in such institutions. Therefore, I was really late when I applied for M uni back in June. 

Surprisingly, I got an offer this morning—an offer that I thought would never come to my mailbox. I've spent days emailing the admissions to expedite my application. However, they couldn't do it somehow. So, I stopped waiting and wrapped my scholarship application two days ago. 

When I received the email this morning, I was happy and excited and could not believe that I had a chance to study on the World's high-rank campus. Then I remembered that I had submitted my application 2 days ago on the regular pathway had a higher passing grade requirement compared to the pathway for the world's top universities, which had a lower threshold. I told 3 of my friends about this matter. Initially, they supported me to unsubmit my application and reapply with my newest offer from M uni. 

Yet, I felt unsure about this suggestion, hence, I keep checking the documents. I have so many things to do if I plan to reapply with this new offer. To be very honest, I was overwhelmed, which made me cry. Firstly, after I calmed myself, I checked the document offer and found a typo for a particular deadline, which was resolved after I contacted the university's representative. I finally got the new offer revised with the right date.

The next challenge was revising my essay. I had spent two pressure-filled weeks refining it with my mentors, ensuring every detail was perfect. Rewriting it to align with M Uni's specifics, especially given their different specializations, seemed impossible. Panic set in as I struggled to find appropriate substitutions for the research center and courses mentioned in my essay.

I decided to stick with my regular application with some considerations. Firstly, I didn't want to present an essay I wasn’t confident about to the interviewers. Past experiences taught me that doubt in my writing undermines my performance. Starting with a strong foundation felt crucial.

Secondly, with less than 16 hours to unsubmit, revise, and resubmit everything, I knew I couldn't work efficiently under such pressure. The fear of making regrettable mistakes due to panic was real. Despite a friend’s encouragement to take advantage of the privilege offered by the world's top university pathway, I wanted to submit an application that reflected my best effort from the start.

Lastly, I thought about my mentors who had supported me through this process. I hadn't informed them about my acceptance to M Uni, and I didn’t want to cause them anxiety with a sudden change in plans. Respecting their hard work and sticking to our current plan seemed like the right choice.

After I made this decision, I told my friends for good affirmations. Would I regret not revising and resubmitting my application? Should I have tried harder for a better chance? I don't know. However, despite these doubts, I decided to trust myself for mydecision.

I believe I made the best decision for myself, at least for now. Though it may be the longer route with a higher passing grade requirement, I feel that I can prepare myself better for interviews and I'm also more confident in my current application than making the new one. M Uni is impressive, but it doesn't fit perfectly with my plans.

Choosing the world's top university pathway wouldn’t guarantee success without hard work. I trust God's plan, I believe if it’s meant to be, it will be. No matter what pathway I take on this scholarship, if it's written in God's plan, it will be. I will continue doing my best, trusting that the right opportunities will come at the right time.

In moments of self-doubt, I remind myself that doing my best within my capacity and being brave enough to pursue what I truly need is more important than forcing perfection just because others say so. To complete what my friend said about dreaming as high as the highest star, so even if you fall, you fall around the stars, I believe it's also important to choose stars that won't make you fall. Let’s see where this journey takes me!

Best,

Ayu

Hi, it's been a while, hasn't it?

The year is passing by like a blink of an eye. Well, it didn't really happen that fast, though. 2023 isn't the hardest year for me personally; however, I found it to be the toughest year in my life. I've learned a lot this year, especially about how to take care of my mental health. I wasn't surprised at all when my psychologist told me about my mental health state yesterday. It's actually better than I expected it to be. All the pain that I've felt throughout this year is a battle that I've kept inside my head. I thought that I wouldn't survive the battle. It was so dark that I didn't think I could have another day to live. I told a few of my friends and my sister about me seeing a psychologist for my condition, just wanting to let them know that my condition is not fine at all, yet I'm trying to be as fine as I could be. It's not easy, and I don't think it will be easy.

I think 2023 is a season to learn how to slow down. A season to surrender, to finally sit with my feelings. A season to learn to treat myself as humanized as I should be. I started the year with a belief that I was totally fine and just needed a new place to add some variety to my day-to-day activities. I went to a few concerts, met my favorite friends, and had the best days of my life this year. Furthermore, I joined a project that taught me so many things, from working with people of different generations to meeting people in remote areas. I found something that ignites an idea inside me to help more people in the future. I found a reason why I need to pursue a higher degree and build more connections for my future career. I found people that I really want to help. It was fine until at the end of the year, the big wave inside my head happened. A sudden depression stressed me out and made me feel suffocated. The harder days came. I took the first initiative to seek help from professionals.

Actually, this year I met two types of psychologists, one for my personal growth and the other for my personal issues. I took a psychology test called Talents Mapping for the first time. To be honest, I haven't found a way to utilize the result of this test to help me plan my life better. This would be one of the homework assignments that I save for the next year. On the other hand, my meetings with the other psychologist were about the depression I have. I found out that I have moderate depression, something that I was afraid to admit before. All these years when I felt like my days were hard, I didn't think it would turn into any depression. I've denied the idea of me having depression. Hence, in the series of my counseling, I took a break to stop seeing a psychologist; I hate the idea of me having a mental health issue. I feel bad for my parents, for my siblings, for my friends to have me as someone with depression. I'm afraid that people wouldn't accept me as I am just because the diagnosis for my mental health state is on a depression level. I think nobody wants this. Well, in the end, I finally can make peace with myself; I went back to my psychologist and seek help again. I decided to be open with my closest friends about my condition even though it was scary to let them know. I was afraid that it would be hard for them to accept me as I am. So far, all of my closest friends are being sweet and very supportive; I'm glad that I have them. It would be a million times harder if I don't have them behind me.

2024 will be a year when I re-learn to heal and take brave steps to taking another attempt to live better. I want to be kinder to myself, to not force myself to take control of everything, to learn how to surrender more to God, to accept failure as part of my growth, to love my family and my friends more after I try to love myself more too. Next year, I am as nice as I could be to myself. I promise myself to find the lost soul that I've been searching for these past months.

As my psychologist suggested, I've been writing down three good things that happen daily, and here are three positive moments from 2023:

1. 1. I am blessed with healthy and supportive parents and a close-knit nuclear family. I am forever grateful and feel lucky for the unwavering love and support from my parents and siblings.

2. 2. Attending all the concerts this year has been a joyous highlight. Moreover, I secured a ticket to the Eras Tour next year—yippie!

3. 3. Being brave to follow my gut even though I was freaking scared all the time. Most of the time, I was pretending to fully trust myself, although self-doubts are my best friends!

I hope we will have a great year in 2024!

xoxo

Ayu